FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS FOREVER...
SORT OF.

Have you ever left somewhere? I have. You make the announcement...set your plans...schedule your life and then...you have to do the most difficult thing imaginable. You have to tell your friends you're leaving them.

Now at first their response is always...you know.... positive... encouraging even. They smile with that half smile and congratulate you on the move that is occuring. They cry for a moment...or at least tear up as they try and maintain their cool and then...

... the challenges start...

It begins with the look...actually it's more like the lack of looking. When you see them they turn away...just for a moment at first and then more and more... as the day approaches. Then they sit farther from you at gatherings then they used to...and gravitate towards others, when all you want to do is capture that last few weeks...moments even...together. But that is not about to happen.

Time moves forward and the disappointment grows more and more. They get even more frustrated with you...without you ever knowing what is wrong. (Actually... neither do they.) Words are few and grow stronger and more angry as the days shorten. And then it happens... Mt. St. Helens erupts and words are exchanged... or worse Mt St. Helens does not erupt and instead continues to boil...and grow. (It can for years)

It seems to me that these feelings of frustration come not from the shallow seemingly meaningless relationships with associates that fill our lives with activity but rather with the few deep friendships that come along rarely. It is in these seemingly safe places that the deepest anger and explosions can occur. Of course... not because you don't love, respect or appreciate each other... but rather because you do.

A wise man, once said to me...it is far easier to be angry with someone then to say good bye. (And he was right.) We replace our feelings of deep loss and deep disappointment with anger because if we are angry we really can't be hurt as easily. It's a defense mechanism...

Now you all may be well aware of this and I may be the only one on the outside, but for those of you who are not...please forgive me if over the past few years I have been angry as you have felt my life. And I will forgive you as we have struggled through the feelings of loss and sorrow. I know this stuff... I have for years...but there is a difference between knowing something and knowing something...if you get my meaning.

So to all of you who I will miss terribly forgive me if I rant...get angry...or lash out! It is clearly only an example of the love I have for you... I just hate saying goodbye...